Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
