Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
