I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
