Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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