I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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