tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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