my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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