chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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