when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
