mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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