just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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