Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
