On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
