I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
