Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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