Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize