WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
