how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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