Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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