Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
