Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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