I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think my moral compass just broke
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
