i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
