This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
