I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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