based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
