god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
