I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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