Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
