Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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