i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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