I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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