I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm really busy with my period
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