I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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