I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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