Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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