You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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