Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
