My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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