Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
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you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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