matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
