you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She even gives head with a lisp.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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