Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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