HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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