I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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