I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
