I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
