Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
