U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
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He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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