Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
