Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
