My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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